Effort

I am currently working toward rewiring my brain on how I feel toward one of our children. They have hurt me so bad to where my brain is now trying to save me from anymore hurt from them. I know I can’t continue avoiding them in my life. An effort has to be made… Of course my rewired brain is overthinking. Well how much effort should I even give to this.

In today’s world what does effort look like? Well that depends on who you ask. Effort in my eyes looks way different than in the eyes of our teen children. I also wonder does effort look different to me because of my generation than to the generation of my children. I’m gonna try to break it down.

When I looked up the definition of effort, I am thinking I need to do more after reading it. The first thing it lists is a vigorous or determined attempt. A determined attempt at talking to my child and not running at the first sound I hear of them. A determined attempt of standing my ground. I will firmly set a course of action with achieving my goal of not hiding at the sound of their movement. My goal is to speak to them once a day as a start.

Effort is also defined as strenuous physical or mental exertion. I can definitely agree with this one. Strenuous physical exertion for me right now is the fear inside of me. I feel the fear rising inside of me every time I see them. The fear of the not knowing what kind of mood they may be in at anytime. Will this be the moment they see me and come after me? Mentally, I am exhausted thinking of this over and over all day long. How do you put in effort toward restoring a relationship with all of this output?

The fight within myself is beyond overwhelming. How to push past it all and put in effort? These questions I ask all day and everyday. I know for me the best thing to do right now is to pray. My prayers sometimes are out of frustration and sometimes they are out of sadness. I feel those two emotions go hand in hand. I pray for mercy and grace everyday as I go through this journey I am walking. I pray for wisdom on how to approach rewiring my brain and efforts toward restoration. I know one thing for sure I am not alone during the healing.