Rewired

I heard a podcast talking about how we will rewire our brains to protect ourselves. The words they said definitely hit me hard. My mental health recently has been at an all time low in recent months. I have had to put myself first for a time, and even participating in counseling. Our minds are so complicated.

In listening to this podcast blurb it talks about how we reach a point where our hearts become so overburdened with pain we will shed no more tears. This could not be more true in my life right now with our oldest child. The amount of pain I have in my heart right now toward them is so heavy. Their actions have caused so much pain to my very soul. My entire body has been sucked dried.

I have no reaction to every choice, word, and action. They could have a full on conversation with me and I have become closed off to the words they say. I have become a silent parent. They talk and I am an empty body void of emotion and word. I know in my mind this is not how I am to be. My mind is self-preserving itself from harm from this person.

With this change in me from protecting heart I have become colder toward my child. My brain is rewiring itself to keep me from harm. My brain is rewiring itself to keep me sane through this stage of my life. With my brain doing this I know I am shutting myself down and off toward having any kind of relationship with my oldest child. I am currently trying to figure out how to cut the rewiring out of my brain. I know this step will take much more effort than I know my mental health has to offer.

Where do I go from here? With everyday new day I pray for God’s grace and mercy not only on me but my child as well. I pray my heart begins to soften again. I pray for God’s direction in our parenting of this child through the good and the bad. I pray for my mind to think on good things and not the negatives things of the world. I know everyday is a battle against the world’s influence and my mind. I want to be a better light for such a dark world.