Place Holder

Some days I think of my title as an adoptive mom as a ‘position’. Yep, you heard the word. How could I you even think that you are carrying a position even after you have adopted the children? Well, when you hear the things I have heard from my adopted children then you would understand. Words that hurt so deep that you begin to believe them.

I looked up what the definition of place holder is; a person or a thing that occupies the position or place of another person or thing. I know I am not to replace the person of a birth mother and this has never been a thought of mine. I also don’t want to be a place holder for someone either. Where do I go from here?

I want to be a person in their life whom they can trust and talk to about absolutely everything. Of course I would love for them to have a small fraction of love toward me. Most days this isn’t so. I often think was our decision to adopt them the right one for them. With everything they have been through am I just another person has created more trauma. I don’t want to be another person they hate, have resentment towards, or bitterness.

From the very next day after our adoption finalization one of the kids instantly said, in a moment of heated screaming, how they regret agreeing and signing the paperwork making them apart of our family. For the next 4 years we have continued to hear many harsh words spewed from their lips about regretting being with us. After time this wears on you, it hurts the soul deep down. Sometimes you hear the words and believe them and on other days you think what caused them to say this today.

Most recently our youngest has been becoming more and more eager with leaving this little town. They have said from day one this town is a terrible place to live. Too small for what they have grown up knowing. The words hurt and sting. What am I to do with this hurt? Hold it in? Share with my child how the words hurt? Let it all go?

Many times I will sit and think on these words and the meaning behind them. Try to understand what the phrase means through their eyes. I usually have no understanding and it’s hard to put myself in their shoes. I think am I just the place holder? For a time… or forever?