The war against trauma

Why will one go back to what they are used to living in? Why choose sadness? Why choose uncertainty? Why choose pain? Why choose lies? Why choose death? Why choose alienating yourself? Why choose loneliness? Why choose restlessness? Why choose anger? Why choose unforgiveness? Why choose isolation? Why choose avoidance? Why choose unsafe places? Why choose addictions? Why choose shame? Why choose guilt? Why choose regression? Why choose mindless consumption? Why choose hell?

I was definitely not ready to fight a war against trauma. But when trying to parent an adopted teenager, they will most certainly come with lots of baggage. We didn’t realize how much until well after a year with us. Honeymoon phase over, real life has only begun. In all of my journaling, I kept writing over and over about how they kept running from our home. The word ‘family’ has never meant safety. They were always on the ‘run’, and never in the same place long enough to be content.

I was reading an article a long time ago about attachment and bonding for a training class, when I read something that stuck with me. Children who have been raised in their traumatic background don’t want to leave there because they understand how to get what they need from that home life. I thought about that over and over. My adopted children knew how to ‘live’ where they were and survive. When they moved in with us they had no idea how to handle life normally where your every need is provided for. It took lots of open communication for them to learn what is normal. They had to let go of survival mode and embrace a life of stability.

Even through all of this though we still had one who wanted to keep going back to what they had in the past. Putting themselves in unsafe places and unsafe situations. The life they knew. The life where they felt ‘safe’. A life away from family. A life where friends are called ‘family’. Ride or die. A life of no expectations. A life of no responsibilities.

Watching them do this over and over has been the hardest thing in my life to go through. I had so many nights where I was up all night long waiting for them to come in the door. So many nights waiting for a call or text message about where they are or what they were doing. Returning over and over to their past lifestyle. This went on for months…

How do you make it through this part of life? For me, writing became my sanity. I also spent many days and nights praying, praying, and praying. During one of my many sleepless nights, I was praying and a verse hit me about the dog returning to vomit and a fool repeating foolishness, in Proverbs 26:11. I know this verse speaks of sinning over and over. But it made me think the dog doesn’t care if things are good or bad for them, they choose whatever in the moment. I was thinking my child is doing the same thing not caring if things are good or bad for them. So I began to pray for God’s grace and mercy over their life. God’s protection over them. For my child to learn what contentment is and that family is safe.